“How
am I? Well, I ache
all over, I can’t see well enough to read a good book anymore, I’m lonely, I
don’t remember whether I just ate breakfast or lunch… What a stupid question!”
The elderly woman who snapped at me— wasn’t the first.
I’d been warned before that “How are you?” isn’t really a very helpful or
astute line of questioning. Yet, it slips out so easily! It’s meant to be kind
of a way to take the temperature of a person’s life, in a moment. We don’t
always notice we’ve even asked, it’s so automatic— and less often do we really
expect or want to hear an honest answer. OR, do we actually listen to the
answer. Right? Because, don’t most people respond, “Fine,” “Okay,” or “Good”—whether
they mean it or not? Automatic question, automatic answer. It’s not much more
than a half step up from “Hi!” Just a well-intentioned, friendly greeting, and
might be a bit of a hollow question.
One gentleman I used to visit actually wrote
a poem about how
inane the question is! He must have been pretty frustrated when he composed it,
because it dripped with caustic humor and commentary. Whenever I’d visit him, I’d
have to pause outside his door to think up what I was going to say instead of
the automatic, “How are you today?” It was a good exercise! Every once in a
while I’d slip up if I was in a rush— and got an earful!
So, here are some ways I entered the room and
conversation, after hello: “It’s always good to see you, and I’m looking
forward to being with you today.” “What’s been filling your time and your
thoughts these days?” “Anything on your mind today?” “What would you
like to talk about today?”
Nothing too creative, admittedly… but a bit more intentional, and both of us
have to think about what we’re going to say and hear. And usually, when I ask a
more thoughtful question, I am gifted with thoughtful responses, a more honest
telling of life’s ups and downs, and perhaps a good story or two!
